Winston Wei

I think being alone is so hard, Even now, I crave that intimacy of love, or, not even, but rather possession. Oh the things I'd do to share a cigarette with this lady to my left.

I am so so stupid sometimes.

I tell myself to stop searching yet I look for something in everyone. I am genuinely the worst. How do I stop doing this...

Is this that same yearn when she first left my life? Or am I truly feeling it correctly. Most definitely the former but, I'm stupid. Had my YC interview... I think it went okay, but I don't doubt that my cofounders and I will make it, I am sure of it. However, am I ready for that? So many things have happened in my life, I am simply there to watch it fly by.

I don't know, how do things like this happen... I feel like my life was so solid, too solid. Maybe that's why I am here where I am now. Polar opposites of that rock.

But maybe that's a gift, given to me to tell me how lucky I can be, to never be too comfortable or willing. Grow and love and live against that dying light. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I think in the coming years I'll become a better man, knowledgeable and fulfilled I suppose. I hope to become a well of stories and love and venture. To not be boring as fuck as Anthony Bourdain would say.

I hope one day I can love someone correctly.

I feel rather selfish, as always. I didn't lash out or become violent but in my heart I felt so violent yesterday.

Oct. 7th, 2023

I laid in the grass that day for an hour, it is so so strange. I try not to lash out but I think sometimes I just feel so torn, on everything. One tiny thing makes me crazy.

I still think about her. Not in the same way I used to but nonetheless, I think it plays a bigger role in my emotions than I intend. It certainly creeps up on me, like, every moment I lay in bed doomscrolling or sit in quiet by myself in a room full of people I think it adds up and eventually hits me like a truck.

I don't think I am a bad person. Truly. However, I do think I'm selfish and rather stupid. Certainly there are more selfish and more stupid out there, and maybe I am on that list. Maybe not near the top nor the bottom but. It's there for sure. I don't know if I'll ever change. That feeling you get when you know things are over. Will it ever leave my body. Is this something I can clear by becoming a "better man"?

just because i am conscious about my wrongdoings does not make me any more righteous than one that is clueless.

I don't know, tough questions. But its okay.

Is self control the same thing as bottling up your emotions? That feels rather wrong to say.

Frank Ocean so good, wow.

I sat down for lunch yesterday with a friend, she mentioned how she thought I valued depth in a person a lot. And you know, at first I thought that was rather shallow of myself, like, who am I to value someone's worth through my perceived "depthful-ness" of that individual. But, I think that if I'm being completely honest its quite true, as silly as it sounds, all good people are like onions. The closer you get ot the center the more layers and they might even make you cry.

I think crying is so valuable. I love crying, I live for crying and food and love (and fed10). It feels so raw and vulnerable. And after you jsut sit there thnking to yourself "shit" looking like a fool.

But honestly, more poeple should cry, I feel like I know a handful of peole who should let it out more often. Some are assholes and others are just super emotionally withdrawn. But I guess some people have there own way of handling things.

I think as I've gotten older I've become a worse judge of people's emotions. Contrary to popular rhetoric, I think that the more you experience, the more conscious you grow of how vast human emotions can be, and with that I think comes with a natural inability to pinpoint which one of those emotions people could be feeling, because you know, there's just so many options!

But on a serious note, you could be the happiest person in a room with absolutely nothing to look forward to at home and that scares the shit out of me. I once knew someone like that.

So, going back to the whole onion thing. Yeah, I think I do value depth, quite a lot actually, I think the most interesting people are those you have to crack open a little bit to get a good look at who they truly are, but, I think shallow people are also just as valuable. You learn a lot about enjoyment, laugher, fun, things I guess you could argue are "simpler" or surface-level.

I think a good life is one where you don't always take yourself too seriously.

[14:02]
It had been raining for three days straight. I still enjoyed it though, I had always loved rain, coming from a city where you don't often see much of it funny enough.

I still don't know how to feel about things. I've been drowning out all the noise from the quiet corners of school libraries and cafes with rather mediocre americano's. Listening to music doesn't really help either. I like to pretend it does but it's kinda just a way for me to cope with how things are now. I've been listening to a lot of Frank Ocean, and not so much Marvin Gaye.

It's funny how as you grow older the lyrics to songs you once loved begin to resonate with you a little harder. It's easy to say you love a song because of its rhythm or beat but a bit harder to say you love it because of what it means to you, but i guess that's my reward for listening to it so much while having someone on my mind.

[16:08]
Finished class, had a rather interesting discussion about media and portrayal of religion. It's strange, just an hour ago i was feeling rather down.

It's a Sunday night, a night never to be trusted for emotions. It's easy to head home and either receive texts in the dead of night or actually compose them that are not going to be fully representative of how you feel for the rest of the day, or rather, the rest of the week. Then you'll be reaching out, and if you're not reaching out you'll have someone else reaching out to you. And your friends, and your brain, and your morals, and your conscience have all trained you not to respond. But I'm gonna go against the grain, and I'm going to suggest that the next time you get a message from the one you love, the only person in the world you love and can't talk to, that you respond.

And you just write back when they ask you if you're up, and you're up, just write back, "Yup, come on over." Cause life is just too short to keep playing the game. Cause if you really want somebody, you'll figure it out later. Otherwise, you'll be lying in bed with an iPhone on your chest staring at it, doing nothing for the rest of the night, hoping that it goes, "PRRR, PRRR, PRRR."

If you love someone, tell them, and tell them that you want them so bad you'll go back on the things you believe.